


Time Will Crawl

by OeufTrick



Category: Vocaloid
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:00:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28264287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OeufTrick/pseuds/OeufTrick
Summary: Ia was strange, untouchable, and elusive. Yukari thought that she was beautiful the day she saw her, but was there anything but ice under her apathetic skin?
Relationships: IA/Yuzuki Yukari
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Crosspost from FF.net: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12055938/1/Time-Will-Crawl

Ia was strange.

She had the habit of looking at people, but not really _looking_ at them. When one talked to her, one had the distinct impression of only having part of her attention, and the bare minimum at that. She spent most of her time on long walks, alone - many of her classmates whispered about that, about catching glimpses of Ia walking around in the strangest places, and always by herself. She spoke very little, and though her grades were impeccable, she never seemed to pay attention in class, her eyes always out the window, staring at the same old view of the same old town.

She was elusive. She was untouchable. She was faint, flittering, fragile. She was so graceful in her movements and so odd in her mannerisms that no one dared to bully her. After all, no one could really fix a definite enough impression of her in their minds. It was like trying to pin down a ghost - the pin goes through and ends up pinning nothing at all.

Yukari thought that Ia was beautiful the day she transferred in. From the moment she made her introduction, Yukari was entranced. Her eyes caught themselves on Ia's hair, long and tangled and so pale it seemed almost white, then followed the grace of her hand gestures, the lightness and resoluteness of her steps as she walked down the rows of desks to seat herself at the only empty seat in the classroom.

That lunch, Ia was mobbed by students asking her questions about herself, but Ia was monosyllabic in her answers. She refused all invitations to hang out after school too - even Yukari's.

"Don't feel down," said SeeU to a very dejected Yukari afterwards. "She probably thinks she's better than us, anyways."

"It doesn't feel like that though," Yukari said. "I don't think she looks down on us...she's just not interested."

"Right, so there's nothing you can do about that." SeeU patted Yukari on the back. "I wouldn't worry about it."

Yukari sighed. "I guess. Thanks."

SeeU wrinkled her nose. "Geez, you look so _down._ It's not that big of a deal. You can't win over everyone. Come on," SeeU looped her arm through Yukari's, "I'll treat you to some ice cream."

-o-o-o-

As the weeks went by, the class, little by little, gave up on involving Ia in anything. There was no point if she was so uninterested. The class kept a wide berth from her, motivated more by bitterness from being rejected than anything else. Accordingly, Yukari did too. It didn't seem like Ia was interested in, well, _anything,_ so there was no point in trying.

Still, Yukari wondered. Ia always looked out the window during class. What was there to see? There was nothing, save for the town, but the town was boring - one could only look outside so many times.

Once, after class, Yukari sat in Ia's seat and looked out the window, hoping to glean some insight, but predictably she saw nothing but a nice view of town. Yukari frowned and rested her chin on one hand as she looked. She tried to put herself in Ia's place - tried to see the world from a new transfer student's eyes - but no matter how she sliced it, the view of the town was always just that. A view of a very normal town. There were the roofs, some tiled, some not. There were the streets, and from her vantage point Yukari could see students walking in clustered groups back home. Their identical uniforms made them blur into an indistinguishable mass. People looked so similar from above, Yukari thought. It was strange, in a way. Everyone in her class had distinct personalities, everyone knew each other. But from this high up, Yukari couldn't really tell who was who.

"Excuse me," said a voice, and startled, Yukari jerked her head up to see Ia standing by her, head slightly cocked to the side, blue eyes on Yukari.

"O-oh," Yukari stammered, getting up, "I'm sorry. I was just, um," Yukari gestured out the window, "I was just...looking at the view."

Ia stared at her for a moment before her eyes slowly roved past Yukari. "Why are you looking at it from my desk?"

Ia's voice was devoid of any inflection. Yukari's cheeks heated up and she fixed her eyes on the floor. "Um...it's just that, you always look out the window during class, so I was wondering what you saw out there."

Ia blinked. "Wondering?"

"Yeah," said Yukari, not sure of what else to say. "You just...look out the window a lot. I was curious."

Ia walked past Yukari so that she was standing right by the window. Yukari followed her. Ia raised a hand and placed it against the glass. Her eyes looked as though they were looking somewhere very far away, somewhere unreachable. "You think too much of it. All it is is that class is boring and I would rather look outside than look at the board."

Yukari looked down, abashed. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine," said Ia. Her finger drew concentric circles on the glass. "What did you see when you looked out the window?"

"The town, I guess. People. From above, it's hard to tell who is who, right? I just noticed that."

There was a long silence before Ia spoke. "Have you heard of Dunbar's number?"

"No."

"It's the limit on how many people a person can care about," said Ia. "Once you go beyond it, then you stop caring."

"That's, um, sad," said Yukari.

"Not really, if you think about it this way. It's hard to tell who is who from above - that's what you just said. But each person has their own consciousness, their own world. You are most 'real' to yourself. You're the hero of your own story. Everything, from your point of view, revolves around you. But everyone else thinks the same way. Which means that for everyone, other people are less real than they are, no matter how close they are to them. And that sense of being less real becomes more and more pronounced the farther you are from them, in terms of relationships." For that entire mini-speech, Ia's gaze was fixed out the window. She spoke so flatly, Yukari got the strange sense that Ia wasn't really speaking to her at all.

"That's not true," Yukari said. "I mean...you're definitely real. And my friends are real to me."

Ia glanced at Yukari. "Of course they're real, but they aren't as _real_ as you are. To me," Ia turned her head back to stare out the window, "you're just another classmate, someone in the background of my own life. Someone who sat on my chair to look out my window."

At Ia's cold, impartial words, Yukari felt an unpleasant thrum run down her spine. She was the kind of person who usually got along with anyone, and Ia's icy indifference was nothing Yukari was used to. This sense of detached, apathetic distance was so uncanny Yukari wanted to grab Ia by the shoulders to bring her down to earth, but she couldn't, so she settled for her default response to uncomfortable social situations – forced friendliness, following the script she set for herself.

"That's pretty cold," said Yukari, forcing a grin. "You have to admit though, not every classmate sits on your chair to look out your window, right? Let's get acquainted. I'm Yuzuki Yukari. Why are you here so late after school?"

Ia shrugged. "I always stay this late. No reason for me to go back home early."

"So you always stay in the classroom by yourself?"

"No," said Ia. "I take walks too."

Oh, right. Yukari remembered the infamous 'Ia sightings' her classmates would gossip about.

"How about I walk with you?" asked Yukari. "It's better to walk with company, right? Besides, I grew up here, so I'll show you around!"

Ia glanced at Yukari again, eyes as distant as always. Seeing without seeing, Yukari thought. It really was as though Ia was looking at her as though she was a background character. "I thought I made it clear when I turned down all the offers before that I wasn't interested."

Yukari's smile dropped. "O-oh, yeah...I'm sorry. I wanted to be friends. But if you aren't interested, then I understand." Even though she didn't, but getting angry at Ia wouldn't help anything. Yukari's cheeks were hot as she continued talking. "Um...I won't bother you again, then." Yukari took a step back. She wanted to run out of the classroom as fast as possible, but her legs felt leaden. God, what a disaster. Yukari didn't think that Ia was _this_ against making friends-

"But," said Ia, "I suppose it won't hurt to make an exception, this time."

-o-o-o-

The two of them were silent as they left the school, Yukari trailing after Ia despite her earlier words of showing Ia around. Ia's steps were sure and measured, as though she already knew the town well and knew exactly where to go, and so Yukari decided that it'd be best for her to just tag along on this journey and see where Ia would take her.

The sun was sinking low on the horizon, shading the sky in purple, throwing orange hues on rooftops and windows, edging Ia's hair with gold. Ia walked down roads that Yukari didn't know existed, carefully making her way down the alleys between houses. The town seemed large and mazelike when wandering with Ia – all the major roads that Yukari would take on her way to school or restaurants or stores, Ia avoided. There were so many twists and turns in Ia's route taking that, had it not been for the setting sun, Yukari would have lost all sense of direction.

"Do you want to get some food?" Ia asked after they made their way through a dense thicket of leaves, though she didn't slow her pace.

"Um," said Yukari, jogging a little to keep up, "up to you."

"When do you usually eat dinner?"

"Whenever I get home. Around seven or so usually…" Yukari trailed off as she looked at Ia's indifferent back. "How about you?"

"I don't keep a schedule for dinner." Ia ducked under a low hanging branch, Yukari quickly doing the same, and to her surprise the two of them emerged next to one of the diners in town. It faced one of the main roads, and a part of Yukari was astounded to be back in recognizable land again.

"Would it be okay if we ate here?" said Ia casually, as though this route was completely unplanned and just happened to land them right next to the diner.

Yukari stammered out some semblance of agreement, and soon the two of them were sitting in one of the booths, examining the colorful, multi-page menus illustrated with gratuitous pictures of the meals for sale. Yukari had been here often with her friends in the past, but sitting with Ia here, Yukari felt uncomfortable, as though she was sitting in a completely foreign restaurant. All the dish names, previously so commonplace, were now unfamiliar. Indeed, it was strange to even be sitting with Ia at such a restaurant – after all, Ia seemed to be a being that existed only in the classroom, or as a ghostlike, flittering presence in town. To see her here, solid, elbows on the table, serious eyes on the menu, skin illuminated by the diner's cheap, yellow lighting…it was as though she was a fictional character placed in reality.

"What kind of food do you usually get here?" asked Ia.

All of Yukari's social graces had left her. She found herself responding to Ia's basic queries like a robot. "Um, usually I get the sizzling steak plate…"

Ia flipped through some more of the menu. "Dessert?"

"Sometimes a cake or a parfait or something…"

Ia lowered the menu a fraction and looked at Yukari, her blue eyes distantly curious, like that of an alien biologist. "You're talkative in class, but you're rather shy, aren't you?"

Shy? Yukari had never thought of herself as shy. After all, ever since she could remember, she had been extroverted and cheerful, making friends with everyone she met. "N-no, I think I'm pretty outgoing."

"Then why are you shy now?"

"Why?" The answer was obvious – simply because it's Ia who's sitting across from Yukari at the table. There's no social script Yukari could think of in such a situation; she had never met anyone like Ia before, and whenever her classmates tried to connect with Ia, no matter the approach, Ia would shoot them down like an expert anti-aircraft gunner. With such a person, even the most outgoing person would be shy. Not that Yukari wanted to be quite so honest at this point in time. "Well…I think I'm just tired."

"Was the walk tiring for you?"

"No, it was okay. I just don't think I got a lot of sleep last night, that's all." Yukari forced a laugh.

Ia stared a little longer at Yukari, so long that Yukari was forced to bring her eyes back down to her menu in an attempt to avoid that gaze. The silence built and built, unbearable; even the waiter, when he came to take their order, seemed to feel ill-at-ease in the miasma of awkwardness that surrounded them. When he left with their orders, Yukari found herself wanting to shout after him, to bring him back so that she could be saved from the prospect of having to sit at the booth with Ia with no colorful menus to use as a shield from Ia's intense gaze.

Ia toyed absently with her napkin, and chewing her lip Yukari surreptitiously took out her phone, hungry for any sort of distraction from the current awkwardness. She glanced down – SeeU had sent her a text, but just as Yukari was about to open it, Ia spoke. "It seems like people are usually on their phones in social situations these days."

Ia had said the words indifferently, clearly meant as some sort of social observation, but Yukari felt a sting of guilt and hastily shoved her phone back into her pocket. "Ahh, yeah, I guess so. The, uh, lure of the small screen is pretty strong." Yukari forced a weak chuckle. "Um…I'm sorry."

"It's fine," said Ia. "It's what you're used to doing, isn't it?"

"Used to doing?"

Ia nodded and turned her gaze towards the window, resting her chin on her hand. "When people feel uncomfortable or awkward, it's natural to want to focus attention onto something else. And when there's a lull in the conversation, it's natural for people to want to look at their phone, if only for something to distract their mind with." Ia spoke as though she was stating a simple, inarguable fact.

Yukari furrowed her eyebrows. She wasn't sure what Ia was trying to get at here, why Ia felt the need to say all of these things to her. "Ia...are you…" Yukari spoke her next words carefully, "…how are you feeling?"

Ia glanced over at Yukari. "How am I feeling? Why?"

"W-well, it's hard to tell what you're thinking."

"Really? I try to be as frank as possible about my thoughts."

"I guess, but where do these thoughts come from, you know? I don't think people usually think about these things."

"I doubt it," said Ia. "These are the years when most people really start thinking about these sorts of topics. What motivates people, how you relate to other people, how other people relate to you, cliques and in-groups and social castes..."

"Maybe, but it seems like you think about it more than other people. So I'm curious about how you are feeling right now."

"Bored," said Ia, chin still resting on her hand as she looked out the window. She had spoken so quickly, it was as though she had barely given the question any thought.

Yukari winced, but she supposed that it couldn't be helped; after all, it wasn't as though she was doing much to aid Ia's boredom herself. Yukari chewed her lip a little and looked at Ia for a few moments, studied the indifferent cast of her expression. "Are you…usually bored?"

"Always," Ia corrected.

"R-really?" Yukari stared at Ia. "You've never been _not_ bored?"

"Sometimes I feel less bored than other times, but I've never not been bored, yes."

"That's terrible!"

"It's fine," said Ia. "It's just the way I am."

"Well, are there things you like?" asked Yukari.

"I like taking walks. I like reading, and music."

"Do you feel happy when you do these things?"

"Happy…" Ia looked pensive. "It makes me feel less bored. And I feel more peaceful."

"Well…that sounds like happiness, doesn't it?"

Ia laughed then, a short, dry chuckle that dripped through Yukari's ears like a trickle of water in a desert. "Is that what happiness feels like? How depressing."

"Why depressing?"

"It's so little," said Ia. "It's like it's nothing at all. The change in state is…" Ia's eyebrows furrowed for a brief moment, "the change is state is nearly nonexistent. But happiness is supposed to be so much more than that. At least, that's what I read, that's what it seems like it's supposed to be like, right? When you're happy, don't you feel more than a cessation of boredom?"

"Ahh…" Yukari began, but trailed off. Ia was looking at her now, and for once, her eyes seemed to be alert. It no longer had that background character gaze, no – Ia was looking at Yukari as though Yukari was actually there now, and under the full clarity of her eyes Yukari felt a blush spring to her cheeks. She had to give Ia an actual answer, she felt. Now that Ia's full attention was on her, Yukari had the strong desire to keep it. Funny, she thought. That elusive emotion Ia spoke of, 'happiness'…Yukari was feeling it right now. "Yeah. It's definitely more than a cessation of boredom. Like, um…I feel pretty happy right now."

"Why?"

Under the intensity of Ia's gaze, Yukari found that she couldn't bring herself to lie. Before she knew it, she was talking, words slipping from her mouth before she could think about them. "Because you're really looking at me. Usually, when you look at people, it feels like you're looking without really looking, you know? But the way you're looking at me now is like…we're forging a real human connection."

"And you're happy," interrupted Ia, "because of this?"

"Well, of course! I've wanted to get to know you for a while. You seem really interesting."

Ia sighed, sinking her face deeper into her hand. "So you're saying that happiness comes from human connections with people you're interested in?"

"Yeah! You read a lot, don't you?" asked Yukari. "Aren't most books about human relationships?"

"True," said Ia, "but I don't know…" She turned her eyes away again, back towards the window, and the breaking of her gaze with Yukari felt almost physical; Yukari had to bite back the sigh that nearly escaped her lips. "I'm not interested in many people. Everyone and everything seems predictable."

"Maybe it's because you're not giving them any chances to be interesting."

Ia's lips curled in a slight, sardonic smile, her cool blue eyes glancing back over at Yukari. "Hmm. You think?"

"Yeah," Yukari said, thinking back to her previous experiences with Ia. "I mean, you just turn down people when they ask you to do things, and you don't really talk to anyone…of course they'd seem boring from that perspective, right? I think you should give them a chance, at least. Maybe you can spend some lunches with people, or ask them to take walks with you."

"Spend some lunches with 'people'?" Ia said. "Why not yourself? Do you think you're not interesting?"

Yukari felt her blush deepen on her face (and shit, Yukari thought to herself, had she been blushing this entire time?), and quickly shook her head. "N-no! It's just, uh, I don't want to force you into hanging out with me. You can choose to hang out with whoever you think is the most interesting. I just want you to have a fun high school life."

"Are your motives really that altruistic?" asked Ia, and though Yukari flinched from those words inwardly, Ia herself seemed rather absentminded as she asked that, her eyes drawn back to the napkin that she had been toying with.

"I think so…"

"I don't think you'd be here if you didn't want something from me," said Ia, her eyes flicking up towards Yukari's. "Say I do what you say, and say I become good friends with some other classmates. I have a fun high school life with them, and I never talk to you again after we leave this restaurant. You say that you just want me to have a fun high school life, but something tells me that you wouldn't be happy with the outcome I just outlined. You'd want more, wouldn't you?"

"U-uh," said Yukari, regretting everything she had said in the past few minutes, mind flailing in this weird social situation. Seriously, Yukari thought, people don't just _say_ these things to people. Still, Ia was right. Yukari's motives definitely were not as altruistic as she had made them sound, and with a sigh Yukari bowed her head down to stare at her fingers. "Geez…you really don't let up, huh? I mean, of course I'd be happier if we became friends…" Yukari trailed off as the waiter arrived, placing their food before them.

"Thank you," said Ia to the waiter before turning her attention towards her food. "Are you hungry, Yukari?"

"Ahh, yeah, let's eat," said Yukari, eager to get away from the topic of her motives, before it hit her that this was the first time Ia had used her name. The realization was a pleasant jolt to her senses. She glanced up at Ia, but the girl seemed to be absorbed in her hamburger steak. Although, thought Yukari, why wouldn't she be? After all, to Ia, calling Yukari by her name was probably no big deal.

Still, Yukari couldn't help but to smile to herself as she started eating her food, the memory of Ia saying her name warm in her chest.

-o-o-o-

Yukari didn't tell anyone about her walk and dinner with Ia, even though usually, she would be eager to tell her friends about new, exciting events in her life. However, Yukari's interaction with Ia felt private in a way that other events in her life weren't. The memory of walking through the town's side streets and alleyways, the setting sun highlighting leaves and trees and Ia, the way the familiar was cast unfamiliar just by Ia's presence…it felt as though that walk was something that occurred in another universe, and when Yukari got back home afterwards she was surprised by the normalcy of everything – the casual texts and snaps on her phone, the everyday homework assignments she had to do.

The next day, Yukari took her seat and watched as Ia entered the classroom, tracked the girl's graceful gait as she took her seat by the window, but no matter how hard Yukari looked, Ia didn't bother returning her gaze.

That's fine, Yukari tried rationalizing to herself. Ia might just want to focus on her studies in school. Still, when lunchtime rolled around, Ia sat alone as always. Her lonely silhouette made Yukari's heart ache, and she spent the entire lunch period watching Ia, hoping for a sign – a glance, a sigh, a note, a nod – anything to indicate that Ia wanted someone else to eat with her too. However, Ia seemed perfectly content to eat alone as always, her eyes focused on her book.

"Geez, Yukari," said SeeU, "why are you staring at Ia so much? It's kinda creepy, you know."

"Huh? What?" asked Yukari, brought out of her haze.

SeeU heaved a sigh and shook her head, chopsticks picking at her food. "Seriously, it's been weeks. It's obvious that she's not interested in hanging out with anyone."

Yukari frowned, slouching down in her chair. "You really think so?"

"Umm, yeah _,_ I _know_ so," SeeU rolled her eyes. "Remember how she turned down everyone for everything?"

"I guess," said Yukari sullenly. "But it doesn't seem right, you know?"

"She had her chances and she rejected all of them. Besides, it's not like anyone's bullying her. If she wants to eat with people, I'm sure there'll be people falling all over themselves to make her comfortable…like _you_ , for instance. Seriously," SeeU pointed her chopsticks at Yukari, "you have absolutely no reason to worry about that kid."

Easy enough to say, thought Yukari, but with a sigh she tried to put Ia out of her mind. As the days passed, things steadily returned to status quo, and soon, Yukari found herself half-believing that that strange walk she had with Ia had all been a dream, some delusion she cooked up for herself after too many nights spent cramming for tests. After all, Ia never gave any indication that she even _knew_ Yukari. Maybe that walk with Ia had all been some strange test, and Yukari failed. Just the thought was enough to make Yukari's heart hurt. It was one thing to just know that Ia was reclusive and uninterested in people, but it was quite another to know that Ia had decided to, out of everyone in class, spend some time with Yukari…only to never pay any attention to her again. It was a complete and total rejection, and knowing that it came after spending so much time together…

It was as though Yukari wasn't good enough. But then again, why would she be? She wasn't particularly deep, or particularly bookish, or particularly artistic, or, well, particularly anything. She was just an ordinary high school student like any other. It could have been _anyone_ Ia decided to take a walk with, and they would have probably acted exactly the same as Yukari, or, hell, probably even better.

Right, Yukari thought with a sigh as she lethargically packed her things, glancing back at Ia's desk. It was a few weeks after her dreamlike walk with Ia, and after stewing in her thoughts, Yukari decided that the best course of action would be to try to stop mooning after Ia, who obviously didn't care about her as an actual person. Just another background character, Yukari thought, looking back out the window. It was a late fall sunset, and she could see her classmates milling about outdoors, their uniforms once again blurring into an indistinguishable mass.

"Do you see anything interesting?" asked a cool, musical voice, and Yukari stiffened for a bit before slowly turning her head to face the source of it. Sure enough, there was Ia, her blue eyes placid, her head cocked slightly to the side.

At the sight of her, Yukari's mouth went dry, and she found that she could think of absolutely nothing to say. Still, her heart was hammering hard in her chest; the fact that Ia was here again, talking with her, was enough to make disbelieving happiness bloom in Yukari's chest. Still, this was only happiness in advance – the threat of Ia leaving, of Ia losing interest in her, of Yukari messing up her words again, was all too present. Yukari had to say something interesting, had to seem clever and deep, and oh she wished that she was half as smart as SeeU was; if it was SeeU in this situation, she'd probably have thought of a thousand witty observations on the spot.

But it was only Yukari, and Yukari had nothing. But she couldn't let Ia know that, she thought desperately. "Oh, um…just the town. The sunset is really pretty in the fall…" Ugh. How trite. How boring. Yukari wanted to hit herself.

"Hmm," said Ia, glancing out the window. "I suppose so."

"Y-yeah…"

"Are you free?" asked Ia, still looking out the window.

For a moment, Yukari thought she misheard. "Free? Me?"

"Yes, you," said Ia, turning her eyes towards Yukari, eyebrows slightly furrowed. "There's no one else here."

Yukari could hardly believe her luck. "O-oh! Yeah, I'm free! Did you want to do something?"

"I was thinking of taking a walk, if you'd like to join."

At once, Yukari's heart leapt in her mouth. There was no question of her refusing.

"Of course!" she stammered, almost knocking over her school bag in her haste to pick it up.

If Ia had any reaction to Yukari's clumsiness, however, she didn't show it, only inclining her head slightly in the direction of the door and shouldering her bag. "Let's go, then."


	2. Chapter 2

On the walk, once again Ia stuck to small side streets, sometimes veering her way through vegetation. Still, Yukari was too engrossed in her to complain, and besides, with Ia, it seemed perfectly normal to take these strange routes. Still, Yukari couldn't help but to wonder if Ia had some sort of goal in mind – she walked with steps so sure that it seemed strange that she wouldn't at least have an inkling of where to go.

"Are we going anywhere?" asked Yukari.

"No, not really. Just walking. Is there a destination you have in mind?"

"Er, no…I was just wondering. You walk like you know where you're going."

"I just walk wherever I feel like walking."

"Oh, um, okay." Another silence, and she couldn't help but to ask: "Why don't you ever take the main roads?"

"There's too many cars and too many people, and it's more interesting trying to figure out where I am if I take the side streets. Ah," Ia stopped abruptly and turned her face up at the sky. Yukari nearly bumped into her back, though she caught herself in time and followed Ia's gaze. The sky was darkening, the sun partially obscured by clouds. Yukari squinted in confusion, but then she felt it – a slight drop of water on her face.

"Oh," said Yukari, blinking, "is it raining?"

"I think so. Do you have an umbrella?"

"No..."

"Okay," said Ia, and she kept walking, though her steps are a little more hurried, and Yukari had to jog occasionally to keep up, glancing around. They were in one of the alleys between houses, though Yukari had absolutely no idea what part of the town they were in. Fences barred her on both sides, and it was also rather narrow – all she could see were occasional roofs, some overhanging branches, the dead leaves at her feet, and Ia's back. The rain was coming down harder now, and wincing Yukari held up her book bag in an attempt to shield herself from it.

"Do you want to try to find some shelter or something?" asked Yukari.

"We're close to my house, so we can stop by there," said Ia, seemingly unruffled by the rain. "I can lend you an umbrella."

Yukari's eyes widened. They were going to Ia's house? "A-are you sure that's okay?"

Ia didn't bother replying, only taking a sharp right turn. After a few more turns that all happened in such quick succession Yukari lost track, the two of them emerged near a large house that was walled off by a gate. Yukari looked around, but there were no other houses in the area, only occasional trees and electric towers standing in the distance.

"Wow…you live all the way out here?" For Ia's family to own such a large property in the middle of nowhere…somehow, it fit her lonely personality. Ia gave only a short nod in reply before heading towards the house, and Yukari followed Ia through the gate, walked down the rock-lined path to the door, and hesitantly entered. As they took off their shoes, she looked around. It really was a large house, she thought to herself, though the lights were all off and the window curtains were tightly drawn. While Yukari tried hard to listen, there was no sound, either. "Are your mom and dad home?"

"My parents are divorced, so I'm just here with my dad," said Ia. "He's not home very often because of his work, though."

"Whoah…so it's just you by yourself? Was it always like this?"

"Yes. We've had to move a lot, but my dad says he likes this town, and the schools are supposed to be good, so I think we'll be here for a while." Ia sat herself down on the first staircase step, her eyes focused on some middle distance to nowhere.

"That sounds pretty lonely…"

"It's not so bad. There's books, music, walks, the Internet."

Yukari hesitantly sat next to Ia, though she made sure to keep a respectable distance between them. Even though the window curtains were drawn shut, there was still a little of the sunset light peeping in through the ends, and Yukari looked at the entrance room. It was well-decorated, to be sure, but desolate at the same time. Through one of the doors, Yukari could see what she assumed to be the kitchen, which was clean and spartan in its decorations. It looked more like a model home than a real home, everything untouched and impersonal. What a bleak place to spend time in….no wonder Ia liked taking all those walks. Anything would be good to get out of this house, thought Yukari, resting her chin on her knees. "So you're not lonely at all?"

"No," said Ia, still looking away – it was as though she hadn't noticed that Yukari had sat next to her at all. She was so far away, yet so close, that all of a sudden Yukari felt an almost violent desire to touch her – to grab her by the shoulders, to tug on her hand and bring her back down to earth – but instead Yukari sighed and scratched her nose, the desire bouncing around her insides with nowhere else to go, manifesting as a steady irritation.

"Why did you ask me to take a walk with you?" Yukari asked at last.

"I felt like it," said Ia, unmoving, unmoved, unmovable, and that answer, which was so vague Yukari couldn't help but to think that it was deliberately so, only made her irritation grow. Why, she wondered – was it because Ia's responses were so distant, it could only mean that Yukari wasn't so special after all? But why would Yukari need to feel special? Why was it that she wanted Ia to acknowledge her so badly? Of course, all of these questions was just a smokescreen, because Yukari knew what her own motives were. She wanted to be friends with Ia, sure, but she wanted to be more than that too. She wanted to be special, and a part of her wanted to be the only one who would crack Ia's shell. It was selfish, and stupid, and Ia should be friends with whoever she felt like being friends with, but Yukari wanted so badly to be special to her. For a moment, the memory of Ia saying Yukari's name flashed in her head, and Yukari felt a fresh spring of despair, for Ia had not called her by name at all today. What if she went on these walks with everyone? What if that walk had been so unmemorable to Ia that she didn't know who Yukari was at all?

It was painful, too painful for Yukari to want to bear, and the house pressed in oppressively around her. "Oh…"

Something in Yukari's tone of voice must have caught Ia's attention, for she turned to face her, eyebrows slightly furrowed. "What is it?"

Yukari glanced up at Ia, looked at her quizzical gaze, her large, mysterious eyes. Did she exist in her, Yukari wondered, or was she still just another background character in Ia's life? Even now, Ia looked a little distant and bored, and Yukari felt a surge of hot irritation. She wanted to touch her, to shake her out of that apathy that seemed to engulf her so completely. She wanted to drag Ia down to her level, wanted to make her familiar and human as opposed to strange and distant. Yukari's hands had tightened into fists, and her blood was rushing loud in her ears. She didn't even realize when she had leaned forward, when she had grabbed Ia by her thin shoulders, when she had pressed her lips against Ia's.

Yukari had never thought that her first kiss would be like this. Years of reading about romance in books and watching romantic comedies had taught her that her first kiss was supposed to be something delicate and special, done in important moments, filled with love and all that came with it. Not like this – not fueled out of anger and petty desire, not done because she wanted to shock the other person out of apathy, not powered by this utterly selfish desire to be the one who would really touch Ia, to be the only one to break her out of her shell. No, not even that…to _force_ her out of her shell more like. Yukari's kiss was desperate and sloppy and not at all gentle, and her hands tightened on Ia's shoulders, so tight that Yukari was sure that it hurt, but a part of her wanted to hurt Ia too, because then at least she would show some sign that Yukari could reach her, even if it was only through pain.

But it was over all too fast when Yukari's rational mind caught up with her actions, and upon realizing what she did, she immediately drew back, eyes wide, rubbing her lips as horror dawned in her mind, mingled with the disgust in her gut. What had she just done? Why did she do that? Yukari squeezed her eyes shut as her self-loathing grew. "I…I'm sorry," she stuttered, as though that would fix anything, as though she had done something that would be so easily forgiven. "I'm…I'm sorry, Ia."

Ia looked at Yukari, her blue eyes unreadable as she absentmindedly brought a hand up to massage her shoulder, where Yukari had undoubtedly gripped too hard. "Why did you kiss me?"

"I…I…." Yukari hung her head. "I was selfish. I…I'm sorry." She tried to blink back the tears that sprung to her face. "I'm really sorry, Ia. It's just, I really…" Yukari's shoulders slumped even more. How could she even begin to explain all the messy, ugly feelings within herself? "You were so distant, I…" Yukari trailed off. Once she was on the cusp of saying it, her reason seemed even more base and selfish than it was in her head, and Ia's gaze was still on her, unrelenting. It felt as though she could see right through her.

Yukari couldn't take it. She stood up. "I'm really sorry…I should...I should go."

"It's still raining," said Ia. "Do you want an umbre—"

"I don't care about the rain!" Yukari shouted before she realized she was shouting, and quickly tore her eyes away from Ia – she didn't want to look at her, didn't want to look at that same distant, background-character gaze. Her hands had tightened into fists again. "You don't need to…just…" Hot tears were running down Yukari's face now, but why was she the one who was crying? Ia was the one she hurt, right? Or was Ia so far away that even that desperate, ragged kiss meant nothing to her either? The futility of it all was enough to make Yukari want to fall to the floor. Yukari rubbed her face, and when she next spoke, she nearly cringed at how childish she sounded. "I'm gonna…I'm going to go back home."

Yukari could hear Ia get up. "I should walk you back," Ia said. "My house is far from the other houses in the neighborhood."

"I'm fine," Yukari muttered. "I have GPS on my phone." She shoved her feet into her sneakers.

There was a brief silence before Ia spoke again. "I'm sorry. I hurt you, didn't I?"

"No…no, you didn't…it's my fault. A-anyways, um," Yukari was already at the door, her eyes turned away. She didn't want to look at Ia at all, didn't want any reminders of what she had done. She wanted to be back at home, to forget everything, to forget how she had forced a kiss on Ia, to forget how she was acting so weird that _Ia_ felt a need to apologize when it was all Yukari's fault, really, for wanting so much. "I…I'll go now. I'm…I'm really sorry."

Before Ia could reply, Yukari left, closing the door behind her. The rain was pouring now, each drop slapping her face. Yukari walked and walked, and it was only after Ia's house disappeared behind her in the rainy mist when she sank down to a crouch. She had been hiccupping a little as she was walking, but it was only now that Ia's house was a safe distance away when she gave herself fully to her tears, burying her face in her arms as her shoulders shook and trembled with the force of her sobs. She felt sick and dizzy; her heart felt like it was trying to claw up her throat, throbbing in pain, and though she tried not to think, her mind was still fixated on Ia, Ia's unreadable blue gaze after the kiss Yukari had forced on her, Ia's distant and bored expression. But just that mental image was enough to make Yukari's tears come faster, her breaths sputtering with how hard she was crying as the rain came down on her.

-o-o-o-

The next day, Yukari avoided Ia. During lunch, she did her best to throw herself into her everyday conversations with her friends. Of course, Ia didn't join, and Yukari didn't look at her either. After such an event, Yukari was convinced that the best thing she could do, the _only_ thing she could do really to make up for things, was to leave Ia alone. Even if the kiss didn't matter to Ia, Yukari couldn't bring herself to look her in the eyes again.

SeeU, of course, noticed that Yukari was down. After school, she insisted that Yukari go with her to some new bakery that opened, and bought them both cookies and cake. And though she asked about Yukari and how she was doing, she recognized that Yukari clearly didn't want to talk about it, and so didn't press further – an action that Yukari appreciated. When they reached the intersection where they parted to go back home, Yukari gave SeeU a sudden, tight hug, thanking her profusely, and SeeU, stunned by Yukari's uncharacteristic sappiness, only patted Yukari on the back and awkwardly mumbled that it was no problem at all, and that she wanted to try the new bakery anyways.

Days passed with Yukari maintaining her distance from Ia, studiously avoiding her, making sure that she wouldn't be caught late after school. While she was sure that Ia probably wouldn't want to talk with her anymore anyways, Yukari wasn't sure of what she herself would do if she found herself alone with Ia again. The memory of that rainy night was still fresh, still flashing behind her eyes whenever Yukari tried to sleep. Still, as time passed, it scarred over, awkward and ugly.

Unfortunately, one day, Yukari found herself staying late after school, after she had stupidly forgotten to bring one of her notebooks home with her. It had been a bad day all around, though – first, she had forgotten to do one of the homework assignments, and later that day her teacher had called her in for a stern chat about her grades, which had been slipping ever since the incident with Ia. Even SeeU, who had respectfully maintained that she wouldn't ask if Yukari wasn't ready, was growing impatient with how Yukari had been acting for the past few weeks.

All of that accumulated to pretty much push packing properly out of Yukari's mind, and it was only when she was already halfway back home with SeeU when she remembered that she had forgotten her notebook. After bidding her a hasty goodbye, Yukari ran back to school and her classroom, brushing her way past puzzled students heading out.

The classroom was empty, and the sun was sinking in the horizon when Yukari got to her desk and shoved her notebook into her bag. After a quick examination to see if she had forgotten anything else, Yukari determined that she had not, and with a sigh slung her bag over her back. She flipped her phone out to check the time, was about to walk out the door when she heard it – Ia's voice, unmistakable. "Yukari?"

Yukari stopped dead in her tracks and dared to glance up from her phone. Ia was standing at the doorway, but Yukari stopped her eyes before they went up to Ia's face. "Oh…Ia," Yukari managed. "Um…" she ducked her head away, "I gotta go now..."

"Wait," said Ia. "Look at me."

With a sinking feeling in her gut, Yukari resigned herself to her fate and lifted her head so that she was looking at Ia. Her breath stuttered a little when she met Ia's eyes, because they were looking at her, _really_ looking at her, like how she did at the diner months ago, but the expression in them was as mysterious and as unreadable as ever. Shame flooded Yukari again, her memories of that rainy night rushing back into her mind, but she took a breath and tried to steel herself for the reproachful words that she was sure Ia would throw at her.

"You've been avoiding me for the past few weeks," said Ia, her voice quiet, her eyes holding Yukari's as though connected to them through a line. "Why?"

"Why…? Isn't it obvious why?"

"Is it because you kissed me?" Ia's voice was frustratingly measured.

"Yeah…" Surely Ia knew. These questions, Yukari was sure, were asked only to prolong this gut-churning agony.

"I'm sorry," said Ia, breaking the link of their gaze. "I hurt you, didn't I?"

Those words were the exact same ones Ia said to her that night. Not this song and dance again. "I was the one who hurt you. You don't need to apologize."

"Why do you think you hurt me?"

"Because," Yukari said, too tired at this point to be anything other than honest, "I…when I kissed you, I wanted to…to reach you." Yukari looked down at her feet. "I didn't care how I did it, I didn't care if it's through surprise, or shock, or pain. I wanted to _really_ reach you. And…and…" Yukari took a deep breath, "I wanted to be the only one to reach you too. So I kissed you. I didn't even ask for your permission or anything, I just stole it. And I wasn't even _happy_ about it, I just hated it, I hated how you looked at me and I wanted you to look at me with something…something else, _anything_ other than how you always look at people. I wanted," Yukari's voice trembled a little, because these words were digging at that wound again, but she owed Ia at least this much, "I wanted to be…to be special to you. But I went about it all wrong, and I'm…I'm really sorry."

There was a brief silence then, Yukari not daring to meet Ia's eyes, though she heard Ia exhale a soft sigh. "I see. I'm sorry too. I didn't realize that I was hurting you so much. I thought that you wanted to be friends. I didn't think that you would want anything more. So when you kissed me, I was really surprised. But then I thought about it for a while, and it makes sense to me. I'm surprised I didn't see it sooner."

Yukari couldn't help it then – she laughed, a short, derisive one. "Yeah?"

"But," said Ia, her voice becoming clinical and distant again, "you say that you hated how I looked at you. But I don't think that's the case. From the time I spent with you, I think you may be the kind of person who likes this sense of distance."

That did it. Yukari stared at Ia, her eyes wide. "What?"

"I don't mean to say that you don't want to be special," Ia continued, her expression still faraway. "Because you do. You just said that you did. But…it's not like you want to have my undying attention in return, either. Because then you'd get bored. Then all the challenge will be gone. You want that sense of an unbridgeable distance that you say you hate so much, because it's interesting to you, and if you really hated it, then why would you want to be special to me? But you only want it sometimes. Not all the time. Otherwise, you won't be special. You'll be just like everyone else."

Throughout the duration of Ia's speech, Yukari felt her face grow paler and paler as her words struck home. While Yukari had never put so much thought into her feelings for Ia, Ia's voice was so conceited in its certainty, as though she had Yukari completely down to a T. No wonder people were boring, if Ia could drill them down like this, to a collection of base, ugly parts that were only occasionally shuffled from person to person. Still, the more Ia spoke, the more resentment in Yukari grew. From all this, she was getting the distinct feeling that Ia was toying with her, that some sick part of Ia was standing there and enjoying how thoroughly her words were impacting Yukari.

"You're pretty messed up," said Yukari a while after Ia's words hung in the air, diffusing into a tense atmosphere.

Ia shrugged, her eyes meeting Yukari's, distant and bored. "Am I? I don't think you'd like me if I wasn't."

God. Yukari wanted so badly to reach inside Ia and draw out whatever was in there. But maybe Ia was right – maybe Yukari did prefer it this way. But why would Yukari ever prefer this deep sense of pain? This hopeless desire to really know Ia, to really be close with her, only to be met by indifferent resistance at every turn…it was unbearable and sick, it was enough to make Yukari's gut clench. What kind of twisted person would choose this? It had to be Ia's words, just her words fucking up everything inside Yukari's head.

But if Ia really thought Yukari was like that, should Yukari give in and act the part? Yukari looked at Ia for a moment, took in the indifferent cast of her porcelain face, the mussed tangle of hair so blonde it looked white, how the sinking sun cast her delicate features and thin frame in sharp relief.

Yukari had thought that Ia was beautiful the day she transferred in, but standing here now, after spending all that time with Ia, after learning of Ia's strange cruelty, Ia's beauty was at once monstrous and sublime. It was the kind of beauty that drove people mad, Yukari thought to herself. Maybe she was already going mad. Before she knew it, she was standing close to Ia, looking down at her, so close that she could count her eyelashes, could see the steady rise and fall of her chest as she breathed. How could she be so alive, and yet so much like a statue? There was that bubbling desire in Yukari again, that desire to break Ia out of that shell, that desire to be the only one who would even be capable of doing so.

"Maybe you're right," said Yukari, and before she knew it, she had her arm snaked around Ia's back, had pulled Ia inside the classroom and shut the door, had pressed her lips against Ia's again, her hand digging into Ia's back. The first time, she had been too caught up in her emotions to really know what was going on, but now, Yukari felt a dim intuition that Ia wanted her to be aggressive, a desire that Yukari was all too happy to accommodate as she swept her tongue across Ia's lower lip as she drew a hand up to Ia's hair, running her fingers through its tangles.

Ia's breath stuttered, and Yukari could barely suppress her triumphant smirk against Ia's lips. "Feeling something?"

Ia was smart enough to not to give Yukari a verbal reply, but her hands clutched tighter on to the front of Yukari's uniform. Yukari opened her eyes a fraction, and saw that Ia had them closed, eyebrows slightly furrowed as though concentrating. Yukari drew her lips away from Ia's, kissed along her jaw down to Ia's thin neck. For all of Ia's cold words and distance, in Yukari's arms Ia suddenly felt immensely fragile, and Yukari felt a swell of tenderness in her heart that prompted her to stop for a moment and glance up at Ia.

"Um," said Yukari, "how far do you want to go?"

"How far?"

"Like, do you want just kiss, or do you want to…"

"Which do you want?" Ia asked. Her gaze was a little disoriented, and Yukari sucked in a breath at the sight of how much this little bit of kissing had affected her. "I'm okay with whatever."

"I, um," Yukari ran her hands slowly up and down Ia's sides as she buried her head in Ia's neck, breathing in her scent as she felt that gnawing hunger inside her grow, "I really want you. Where?"

"Here?"

"H-here? This is school!"

"No one's around this late," Ia said, her words still calm despite the flush on her cheeks. "It's a thirty minute walk to my house. Unless yours is closer."

"Um, my parents are probably home," said Yukari, her heart thumping heavy in her chest at the knowledge of what they're about to do. Never in her wildest dreams had she imagined anything like this, and now that it was happening, her earlier boldness was replaced by something more akin to embarrassment and shyness. "A-are you sure? Right here? Wouldn't you prefer somewhere more secluded or something?"

"I don't care," said Ia coolly. "Here is fine."

Yukari's eyes widened at the familiar indifference of Ia's face and words, but that only served to further increase the coiling desire in her gut, as well as rub fresh the irritation in her heart, turning it into a pulsing anger under her skin. Was Ia doing this deliberately, Yukari thought, was this what Ia wanted? Yukari completely undone via nothing but words, drilled into her skull by Ia's irritating certainty? But what was Yukari even feeling right now? All of her emotions were a complete mess, and it was all because of Ia, fucking Ia with her conceited words, her sarcastic smiles, her cruel beauty, her damnable distance, her eternal apathy. Yukari wanted to choke some life out of her, to tear her open just to see if she was alive.

"Fine," said Yukari, because that was all she could say, and drew her lips up to devour Ia's, probing for any sort of reaction. Ia's breath hitched, but that was all, and it wasn't enough – Yukari could practically imagine Ia's thoughts, probably thinking something along the lines of, _is that it? How boring,_ and so Yukari mastered any hesitation she had and slowly slipped a hand under Ia's button-down. Underneath, Ia's skin was smooth, soft, and slightly cool to the touch, and Yukari swallowed at the liberty it felt like she was taking. It felt like her skin was aflame, but how could it be that Ia was so cold underneath her?

It was irritating, really irritating – Yukari had never felt such a desire to hurt another person before. It was completely contradictory, really, because if that was the case, why was she kissing her so desperately it felt as though she couldn't breathe? Yukari dug her nails into Ia's back, hard enough to hurt, and frustrated with the lack of response, Yukari trailed her lips down to Ia's neck and bit, not hard enough to break the skin, but hard enough to bruise, and Ia gasped.

"Wait," Ia brought her hands up to Yukari's shoulders. "That's going to leave a mark."

"That's your problem," Yukari muttered. "Besides, I thought you didn't care what other people thought." She dragged one of her hands up Ia's arm until it reached Ia's hair. Violently she tugged it back, exposing Ia's pale neck, and fluttered her lips over Ia's pulse point. There it was, a heartbeat. Proof of existence. Feeling Ia's pulse against her lips made that old feeling of tenderness rise up in her again, but Yukari took a breath, remembered Ia's coldness and apathy, and did her best to push it back down. Instead, she diverted her lips slightly to the right and sucked in Ia's skin, tinged with salt, and trailed her teeth back up as one of her hands traveled down Ia's body, stroking down her sides. Once she reached the part where her button-down met her skirt, Yukari hesitated only a moment before slipping her hand underneath Ia's skirt.

While this was nothing Yukari had done before with another person, she had at least played around with herself before, so how different could Ia's anatomy be, really? Yukari pushed the fabric of Ia's underwear aside, and after only a little bit of fumbling, she hit what she thought was the right spot when Ia gave a tremendous shudder underneath her, sucking in a deep breath, and Yukari smirked in triumph as she kissed along Ia's jaw.

"Feel good?" asked Yukari.

Ia hesitated a moment before squeezing her eyes shut and nodding. "Y-yeah."

"Have you ever done anything like this before?"

"No…"

"Not even with yourself?"

Ia bit her lip and shook her head silently, her cheeks fading into a deep red. Yukari placed her lips next to Ia's, not quite touching it, and listened as Ia's stuttered gasps traveled through her ears, straight down to her lower body. At this final confirmation that she really was Ia's first in all respects, Yukari clutched her closer, wishing that her arm wasn't in the way of them being truly close. She wanted to feel Ia seek out her lips, wanted to feel the slick heat of Ia's tongue, wanted to feel Ia's naked skin against her's, but it was too late, or too early, or…or…

Yukari kissed Ia in an attempt to distract herself from her thoughts, felt Ia pant heavily into her mouth as her tongue insistently sought out Yukari's, and at the contact Yukari felt a white heat explode in her mind, obliterating all of her thoughts. Her hand wrapped the back of Ia's neck, pushed her closer to her as her other rubbed Ia under her skirt. Ia's hips moved against Yukari, and just knowing that Ia needed this was enough to overrule everything Ia had done and said to her – or at least, only in the moment, it is.

"I…I," Ia's lips moved blindly against Yukari's, "I think I'm…"

Yukari didn't say anything, couldn't say anything, could only squeeze her eyes shut as her breaths came fast and heavy, mingled with Ia's as Ia rocked against her hand, and when Ia did come it was with a shuddered exhalation along the angle of Yukari's jaw, a wordless, boneless groan that made Yukari's legs grow weak.

After it was done, Yukari wanted to hold Ia in her arms a little longer, wanted to kiss her gently on the cheek, wanted to express even a little of that tenderness that was growing inside of her, so large she couldn't breathe.

Instead, she stepped back, pushed down the heat in her lower body, looked away from Ia, rubbed her nose awkwardly with the hand that wasn't wet with her. She wished she had a napkin, or a cloth, or anything other than her clothes she could use to wipe it, but there was nothing, only the tell-tale cooling on Yukari's fingertips.

For a while, no one said anything, and Yukari chewed her lip for a few moments before looking at Ia. The girl was so much more disheveled than Yukari could remember seeing, her hair even more mussed than normal, her school uniform in disarray, the two marks Yukari left on her neck already purpling. She was looking at Yukari with large, unreadable blue eyes, and Yukari felt as though she had to say something, but her mind was completely empty.

"Well," said Yukari at last, "um…"

Silence. Did this impact Ia at all? Already the brief high Yukari had from the experience was fading, replaced by uncertainty and a faint, nagging fear. Ia wasn't saying anything. Why wasn't she saying anything? But Yukari wasn't brave enough at the moment to say it for her – not now, when they were still in the classroom, not when Yukari's fingers were still slick, not when the memory was too new and fragile in her mind.

"…it's getting late," Yukari mumbled, dropping her gaze, self-consciously wiping her hand on her skirt.

"Hm," said Ia, her eyes glancing out the window. "You're right. It is getting dark out." She said those words with a faint undertone of sarcasm, though it was so slight, Yukari wasn't sure if she was imagining it. "I can walk you back home."

"A-are you sure? You don't have to…"

"I want to," said Ia plainly, and with that Yukari could do nothing but let Ia walk her back. This time, they took the main roads, though Yukari was sure that part of it was a function of Ia not really knowing where she lived. It was dusk, the sky a dark blue as the sun proceeded to sink below the horizon, casting dark orange light on the undersides of clouds. Yukari breathed in the fall smell of decomposing leaves and earth, hands stuck in the pockets of her jacket as she walked.

She felt more than a little awkward. Ia was completely silent, her eyes trained on the ground, and every time Yukari looked at the purpling marks on Ia's neck, she wanted to sink into the ground. What does this make them, she wondered. She had taken Ia's first time, and those marks on Ia's neck were certainly a signifier of that…but why was it that at this moment, Ia felt farther away than ever? There was an odd hopeless feeling in Yukari's chest, a pit of dread that this had only further pushed Ia into some unreachable place.

Yukari forced her eyes down to look at her shoes. "U-um…so…what are we now?"

"What do you mean?"

"W-well, our relationship with each other. What are we?"

Ia was silent.

Frustrated, Yukari pressed. "How should I act around you at sch-"

"What do you feel about me, Yukari?" asked Ia suddenly, as though Yukari hadn't said anything at all, and caught off guard by the question, Yukari's words died on her lips.

"What do I…shouldn't you know?" Yukari rubbed the back of her head and looked away. They were walking by the river now, and though it was dark, the streetlamps still illuminated the rushing water.

"I want to hear it from you," said Ia, looking up at Yukari with her large, inscrutable eyes. "You don't seem satisfied right now."

Satisfied? That word hit Yukari in the core. She wanted to crumple to the ground with the force of it, but instead, her legs shook, and her heart felt large and lumpy and painful. Strange how that one sentence, undoubtedly spoken as a mere observation, was enough to hurt Yukari so much that it practically blew all of her feelings out of her body. A cool numbness spread over her, though there was a hot vein of anger pulsing under all the ice.

"Satisfied…?" Yukari was barely aware of when the word left her mouth. "Wait…you let me do all that to you just because you think I'll be satisfied? What the…" Yukari couldn't help the dead laughter that fell out of her lips. "What the fuck?"

Ia was still standing there, still looking at her with those eyes, and that violent anger rose up in Yukari again, but it was a hundred times worse now after what they had done. It was so bad she wanted to throw up, so bad that it felt like her heart was crumbling into dust. However, as quickly as it came, the anger drained away, leaving only sadness behind. It would be pointless to get angry at Ia here, Yukari thought, and she unclenched her fists and stared down at her feet, her mind empty.

"Well," said Yukari numbly, "I just…I really like you, that's all. I want to be the one you go to if…if you have any problems, or anything. I liked that we got to talk about stuff, and I always thought you were really interesting, a-and beautiful. So I wanted to be special to you and stuff. It's all…" Yukari ducked her head, "it's all shit that you already know. There's nothing new or interesting. It's just...boring."

"I see," Ia's eyes finally left Yukari's face, and she looked out at the river. "If that's the case…do you want to go out?"

"…what?"

"Go out," said Ia, still looking away. "Date. Be my girlfriend."

Yukari laughed again, dry and dead and as brittle as the leaves under her feet. "Are you serious…?"

Ia's blue eyes met Yukari's again, large and solemn. "You like me, don't you?"

Yukari chewed her lip and looked into Ia's eyes, practically oceans in and of themselves. What laid in them was a complete mystery to Yukari – what Ia was thinking, what Ia was feeling. Still, Yukari found that she could not resist that gaze. Something about Ia, something about her melancholy expressions, her sensitive mouth, her distant eyes, all of them combined to draw Yukari in. She wanted to sink into those eyes forever, and scarily, at that moment, the thought flashed through Yukari's mind that maybe it _didn't_ matter that Ia was like this, that Ia was so cold and so distant, as long as it meant that Ia would be hers, even if it was only in name. Because then, at least Yukari would have a grasp on a part of Ia, as opposed to nothing at all.

"Yeah…" Yukari said numbly.

"Then, why not go out with me?"

Yukari could not imagine what going out with Ia would entail. The thought of taking Ia out to a normal date at the movies was unimaginable. There was a heavy weight in her chest now, almost strong enough to crush her heart. How could it be that something so brittle and fragile hasn't already been broken? Already Yukari felt as though she was at a tipping point. If she accepted Ia's proposal, she would not be happy. And yet, if she did not accept Ia's proposal, she would be miserable.

"Okay," said Yukari at last. "Um…let's go out, then." She forced a smile, though it felt strained and unnatural.

Ia nodded. Yukari thought she saw a ghost of a smile flicker through her face, but it may well be her imagination. Ia reached out, and Yukari looked at her in confusion for a few moments before she felt it – Ia's hand on her own, soft and gentle, but it felt as though it could easily be nothing more but a fleeting illusion.

This was good, Yukari told herself as she tentatively squeezed Ia's hand. She had always wanted to matter to Ia, and now that they were dating, surely she mattered to her, even if Ia didn't say it. Yes. This was good enough. And in time, maybe Ia would change, too – maybe Yukari could help her care more, could help her find more in life than boredom. Yes…she could do that. She would do her best.

The words _I love you_ flickered through Yukari's mind, accompanied with a lump in her throat as she looked at their intertwined hands, but she couldn't say it, it was too much now, too sudden, and who the hell falls in love so quickly anyways? It was a cliché straight out of a romance novel, and Ia would undoubtedly find it boring. Besides, Yukari couldn't even speak because her throat felt all closed up and funny.

"Come on," said Ia softly. "I'll walk you home."

Yukari took a deep breath and looked up. It was full dark now, with only a few stars poked in the fabric of the night sky. There was some wetness on her cheeks, but she hoped that it was too dark to see. "Yeah. Let's go."


End file.
